I could probably recite this episode backwards in Japanese whilst walking on my hands over hot coals, but that'd just be showing off. All joking aside, I have seen this episode so many times I fear it may get old. But I doubt that. It really is timeless. The opening credits feature a black adder (a pun already? Do they ever stop?) slithering across a chessboard. I'm sure that's supposed to represent something deep and profound but do we really need to get into that? Perhaps it's not a chessboard and black and white tiles were popular as a floor covering back then. Like I'd know anything about 15th century decor. Who do I look like - Laurence Llwellen Bowen? As the snake tries to get away from the horribly unfashionable floor, two hands (most probably Edmund if hindsight is anything to go by) drag it back and waggles a finger in annoyance at the pesky snake. Eventually the hands give up and replace the snake with some bells and shakes them just for effect. And every other episode begins like this but with a different object taking over from the snake. Objects to do with the title of the episode of which today's is 'Bells'. The Elizabethan title music (with funky electric guitar) comes to a halt and our first scene is in a small, drab house where a young woman sits sewing and an older man sits nearby growling and and making complaining noises. "Father," the girl says suddenly. "I can be silent no longer. Everyday you gibber, dribble, moan and bash your head against the wall crying, 'I want to die!!!" Now you may say I'm leaping to conclusions but... you're not completely happy, are you? It's mother isn't it? You're brooding over her death."
    "Kate for the final time your mother is not dead - she's run off with your Uncle Henry," her exasperated father explains.
    "Oh I know you only say such things to comfort me."
    "Your mother is alive and well and living in Droitwich!" He pauses as he prepares to drop the real bombshell. "I'm sad because I can no longer afford to keep us, and must look to my own tiny daughter to sustain me in my frail dotage."
    "You mean..."
    "Yes Kate, I want you to become a prostitute!"
    "Father no! Surely it would be better to die poor than live a life of ignominy"
    "No it wouldn't!"
Kate ignores him and continues, "But I'm strong and clever. My nose is pretty!"
    "Oh, please go on the game. It's a steady job, and you'd be working from home." But our Kate has a far more cunning plan. "I shall go to London - disguise myself as a boy and seek my fortune."

    Blackadder and Baldrick are finally on scene and not before long. Baldrick holds up a target against a rickety old door whilst Blackadder prepares his arrows.

    "It can be your lucky willy."
    "I'll show it to my grandkids." I think we all have an elderly relative like that, don't we?

    "Still you'd have thought old Flashheart would've turned up." No sooner do these words escape his mouth than a loud explosion from the hallway interrupts the gathering, A rope descends from the hole created and a man in white and gold flamboyant clothing drops down via the rope. He turns to the camera and with a studly, "It's me," as an explanation to his identity, he enters the room and announces, "Flash by name, Flash by nature! HOORAY!" he stands proudly as they echo 'HOORAY!' back.
    "where have you been?" blackadder says.
    "where havent i been?" flashheart quips and thrusts his crotch forward, "Woof!" he begins to say something else when he spots percy. "who," he splutters, "is THAT?"
blackadder, glad to have a reason to be rid of percy says, "i dont know but hes in YOUR place." let flashheart have the job of getting rid of him, i suppose.
    "not for long!" he whips out a dagger... and hands it to baldrick. "hold that," he says before grabbing percy and shoving him out of the doors. watch carefully and you'll see the entire wall buckle. fantastic 80's set designs. he takes his dagger back from baldrick. "thanks bridesmaid - 'like the beard! gives me something to hang onto," he jokes and thrusts his hips again. tony tries his best not to laugh. flashheart turns his attentions to blackadder (rowan also having trouble keeping a straight face). "so my old mate eddy's getting hitched, eh? whats the matter? cant stand the pace of the IN crowd?" he says and twists blackadder's codpiece on the word 'in'. he spots the queen and is a little more calm in his manner as he says, "hi queenie. you look sexy. woof!"
    "woof!"
    "but listen," he says and moves his hand behind her head and brings her glossy ginger locks forward over her shoulder. "wear your hair long. i prefer it that way."
the queen sighs and states to the camera, "i've got SUCH a crush on him." dont we all, ladies?
    "melchy!" he exclaims and holds his hand out for a shake." melchett moves to reciprocate but flashheart takes back his hand and goes nyah nyah instead. "still worshipping god?" melchett smiles and nods politely. "last thing i heard he started worshipping me!" flashheart laughs uproariously at his pun and everyone else does the same. flashheart moves onto nursey now. "nursey! i like it firm and fruity!" he declares and stands with his hands on his hips in front of her. "am i pleased to see you or did i just put a canoe in my pocket?" he walks backwards telling the offending body part off. "down boy, down!" nursey squeals in delight and holds her knitting up to her face in mock embarassment. percy pokes his head around the door trying to get in on the fun but unfortunetly for him he's spotted and flashheart executes the most perfectly timed head-butt and sends percy flying backwards. "so, where's this amazing bird?" flashheart asks now that percy is dealt with. "the one keeping my pal eddy from doing whatever he wants ten..." he suddenly sees kate, who seems to have melted into a pile of fan-girl goo under his spell. "...times a night." he finishes as he twirls her into the middle of the room and dips her in his arms. "ah yes," blackadder says. "?"
    "hi baby..." flashheart says befpre movong in for an elaborate kiss. she moans and gasps in orgasmic joy. when he finishes he says to the camera, "shes got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a mans tonsils!" he lifts her head back up. "you dont want to marry this jerk baby. meet me on my horse in 8 seconds."
    "but i cant run in this dress/ you see i find that i actually prefer wearing boys clothes."
    "weird. i always feel more comfy in a dress!" do we want to know how he found that out? well, i know i do. he gets a cunning plan. "i've got a plan and its as HOT as my PANTS!" watch as rik's fabulous moustache begins to fall off.